Too Much to Carry
by duelpersonality
Summary: Yuusuke's always been the pillar of support for the Reikai Tantei. If there's a problem to be solved, the group looks to him for guidance. But what if Yuusuke got tired of always being the goto guy? Warnings: Contemplation of suicideCharacter deathAngst
1. Last Thoughts

They look to me to be strong, they have for some time now. It didn't matter, in the beginning. I even kind of liked it, the respect, the trust. That's all past tense now.

I see their faces, anxious, looking at me with complete faith, and I feel nauseous. More than that, I feel cold indifference. I can't seem to care about their lives. I know it sounds horrible, but I'm tired of it. They've never had an original idea in the entire time that I've known them. I wonder if they've ever tried to think for themselves. And I wonder what would have become of them if I had never known them. And I'm smiling at the thought of what fate would have befallen them.

They don't seem to have noticed the change in me, and maybe that's all for the better. How does one explain to those he is closest to that he no longer cares whether or not they're alive? I wonder if it would feel like breaking up with a person you've been dating for years, but I don't have the energy to care or to try to find out if the theory is true.

They haven't noticed that, either, I suppose the lack of energy. These days I end the fight as quickly as possible, without hardly any banter or bravado. Koenma should've noticed by now how much less I fight him when he gives me weakling assignments. Kuwabara should've figured out how little effort I put into beating him when he challenges me, but I suppose his relationship with Yukina keeps him from seeing anything more than six inches away from her face. Kurama or Hiei would've probably have noticed long before now if they hadn't left when this sickness was still forming in the back of my mind. From what I hear, they're very happy wherever they are. I never expected Botan or Keiko to notice my disease. They're both so caught up in themselves, their duties, their lovers, I don't think they even know I still exist. Keiko left me a few months before--it--for a more _normal_ guy she met at the University. I already figured that her going to college would split us up, even before she confessed that she'd been cheating with what's-his-name. And it turns out that Koenma finally got the nerve to ask Botan for a date, they've been sappy and giggling ever since.

And here is me, left behind, forgotten, except when their perfect, pointless little lives are threatened. Then they notice my absence really quick, and cling to me, begging for me to help, never once considering the chance that I may refuse to help them, that I may be sick of coming to their rescue every time a low-level demon's on the loose. And you know what? I'm over it. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to jump and run to rescue them anymore. I'm so tired of all this. All I want to do is sleep.


	2. Keiko

I still can't believe it happened. I would've never in a million years have thought he was suffering that much. And to think that I was part of the reason for his pain! When I told him about Yuki, he seemed to understand. He seemed happy that I had found someone who could be there for me when he couldn't be. I guess it was an act, though.

I wish I could say that I was the one who found him, but I wasn't. It was Kurama and Hiei, of all people. They found him lying on the floor, with half his head sprayed out around him and a little sheet of paper lying a couple feet away. They didn't find a gun, though. They said he probably went with the sure thing and used his rei gun to kill himself. Atsuko can't understand that, that the police couldn't find the gun. She thinks, and I guess police do too, that Yuusuke was murdered. They have no other way to explain that kind of injury, and Yuusuke did have many enemies. I think Kuwabara was even questioned.

Yuki's been really supportive through all this. I don't think I could have made it through this if I didn't have him. I know it may sound horrible, but I'm glad I found a reliable boyfriend to help me through the hard times.

I don't think Yuusuke is coming back this time. I haven't had any dreams like I did the last time that he died, and Kuwabara hasn't shown up on my doorstep claiming to be Yuusuke. The worst part of it all is that we can't find him. Botan and Koenma haven't seen him and Kuwabara hasn't had any of his "feelings". Even Hiei couldn't find him, though I'm not sure of how hard Hiei looked.

I can't believe Yuusuke would put all off us through this again. You'd think he would've kept on living, if not for me, then for Atsuko at least. The last time he died, when he was hit by the car, it nearly killed Atsuko, too, and this time he won't be coming back to save her from herself. She put off the cremation as long as possible hoping he'd come back to life again, but she finally gave in. I think she said the cremation would be tomorrow.

It's been hard, being so far from everyone with all this going on. Yuki said that I should probably keep my schedule as normal as possible and I agree. I'll be flying back in a couple days. I won't get there until they've cremated his body. I don't think I could stand seeing him lying there as if asleep, looking like any minute he'd sit up and be back here with us. I'll miss him…


	3. Kuwabara

I've always been the one playing catch-up, trying to reach the same level, to surpass Urameshi. And now it's too late. He's gone to a place I can't reach. Listen to me, acting like it's a new thing for Urameshi to be unreachable. I could never have been as good a fighter as he was, never could've beaten him. No matter how much stronger I got, he was always ten times stronger than I was.

And then he went even further away. He retreated into his head, and never came back out. Even when he was fighting me, I could tell he was on autopilot. He had beaten me so many times before, it was as natural and tedious to him as breathing was. Every new threat hat came along was dispatched with a cold efficiency. I'm convinced that half the time he didn't even realize that he was fighting to save the lives of everyone on this gods-forsaken rock.

For a while, there was still one person who could break down the walls he'd built around his heart. But then Keiko stabbed him through that heart with one last, devastating straw. I was there and I saw the exact moment that Urameshi died. The coroner's report is off by a few days when it says he died January 9th 20XX. Urameshi died at exactly 4:15pm on December 31st. I swear that was the coldest day I've ever known.

When I get to wherever I'm going, I'm going to punch him in the head for all the trouble he's caused. Poor Atsuko, this is the second time she's had to mourn for her dead son, and now she has to get over the false hope that he'll come back to life again. She drinks herself into unconsciousness every night and tends to Urameshi's body every day. I think we may have finally managed to convince her to cremate him. Even with Kurama's help, she refused to believe that he's really dead this time. In the end, we asked Hiei to put her mind at ease and help her accept Urameshi's death. I'm still not sure that she completely believes that he's gone for good. But he is gone.

And now what is there for me to fight for? What is there left for me to reach for? What is there left for me to live for? Yukina… I do love her, and with all my heart. But I can feel it in me, too. I can feel the ice and despair wrapping around my heart. I wonder if this is what Urameshi felt… I feel as though if anyone were to touch me, I'd break into a million shards of pain. I can't bear to force myself upon anyone in this state, much less the girl I love. And even now, I'm still playing catch-up. And I'm still not sure I can reach him.


	4. Kurama

It was true, what his note said. It seems like he was always around when he was needed. But now he's gone, body and soul. They cremated his body yesterday, depriving us of even the last vestiges of what was Urameshi Yuusuke. Of course, there are still memories, those haven't left, but they aren't as good as having the real, live Yuusuke here with us.

We were the ones who found him, the ones who had to tell everyone, his mother, his girlfriend, his rival, that he was dead. We were the ones, Hiei and I, who found him lying in the middle of his living room floor surrounded by a pool of his own blood and brain. And we were the ones who had to tell Atsuko that he was murdered, knowing how he really must have died. That was the worst of it, lying to his grieving mother.

It would have been enough, lying to Atsuko, but then Kuwabara recruited me to convince her that he wasn't going to come back. I broke her heart, and then I crushed her hope. But the worst thing of all, worse than finding Yuusuke, worse than losing him, worse than breaking Atsuko's heart and crushing her hope, was asking Hiei to use his Jagan to make her believe and understand that Yuusuke really isn't going to come back to life. _That _broke _my _heart.

We weren't there to see the disintegration. We left before Yuusuke's decent into despair, and that absence may have contributed to the speed of his demise. Surely if we had still been here the others would have come to us for protection as well. Instead, he was the only one left to take up our slack when the city came under attack. I can only imagine that there were more attacks after we left. The demons probably thought their victory more assured with the city being protected by one lone human. And he was left to fend off those attacks alone.

Of course Kuwabara would have helped him, or at least tried to help. Kuwabara cared very deeply for Yuusuke, though it may not have shown very much. Still, Kuwabara didn't have the power to defeat many of the demons that came after Yuusuke to prove their strength and I'm sure Kuwabara knew that he was no match for them. I'm also sure that knowledge wouldn't have kept him from trying.

I don't believe that Keiko will be coming to the funeral. She avoided coming to pay her respects before Yuusuke's body was cremated, claiming that she wouldn't be able to stand seeing him lying there as though he were merely sleeping, but I believe that there was another reason for her refusal. I think that she ceased to care about Yuusuke as soon as she began dating the boy at her college. I'm sure Yuusuke was devastated when she broke up with him. After all, he had loved her for far longer than I had known him. According to Kuwabara, it was the last straw, and I can only agree with that diagnosis.


	5. Hiei

Feh…. Idiot.

First, I would like to offer my apologies for the long delay. I completely forgot about the story following the events of a few weeks ago, which occurred right around the time I had planned to post. This was always my first choice as to what Hiei's chapter should be, please don't think that I did this to rush out a chapter. If no one likes this paragraph, I have no problem sending a more detailed version, but this is what I like for this situation. I only have one more chapter planned for this fic, and I'm afraid it will be a few more days before I can hope to start, as school projects are piling up. Once again, I am very sorry for the delay, but not for the brevity of this chapter.


	6. Hiei Alternate

It figures. He always tried to seem carefree but he let himself get too close to his assignments to not care. No one else saw it, but I saw. I was aware of his descent from the beginning. I probably knew before he did. So why didn't I tell anyone? If he'd wanted help, he would have gotten help. He dealt with his problems as he saw fit; by not thinking of the consequences. Maybe he got what he wanted. He is free from us now.

What I can't stand is how much shit he's caused for the rest of us. Kurama had to find him lying dead on the floor of his apartment, I got dragged into convincing Atsuko that he's dead forever, and Atsuko is, understandably, a complete wreck. Hell, even the oaf and Botan are depressed. Koenma seems sad, but that could be as much from losing one of his best detectives as from losing Yuusuke. And they did lose him. They haven't been able to find his soul anywhere.

So ends the life of the great Urameshi Yuusuke.

First, I would like to offer my apologies for the long delay. I completely forgot about the story following the events of a few weeks ago, which occurred right around the time I had planned to post. I only have one more chapter planned for this fic, and I'm afraid it will be a few more days before I can hope to start, as school projects are piling up. Once again, I am very sorry for the delay.


	7. Atsuko

Yuusuke, my poor boy. I miss him so much. I know he was never really here, but now he's gone forever and I don't know what I'll do without him. It's my fault, I know. I was always drunk or gone. He must have been so cold and alone at the end.

I know he blamed me, too. I know that my drinking hurt him so much. That's why he couldn't stand coming home at the end of the day, why he got in trouble to get me to notice him. But I always loved him so much, how could I not notice him? He was never home because I drank, but I drank because I couldn't stand to see him fall, couldn't stand watching my happy, loving boy slide into delinquency and sadness, anger, pain. I was so weak and now he's so far away.

Keiko wrote and said she wished she could have made it. Now I see how much my son mattered to her, now that she's found someone "better" who'll have her. Kuwabara, the boy with whom Yuusuke fought so much, cried throughout the entire funeral, his girlfriend hugging him worriedly, herself crying, the entire time. Shizuru just stared at Yuusuke's picture, her face blank, but her cheeks covered in tears. Kurama has tried to be so strong for me these past weeks, but I could tell he was very close to breaking down the whole time. At the funeral he seemed to be unable to speak, bowing respectfully to me and then to Yuusuke before he had to leave. Even that boy Hiei bowed to me slightly before following Kurama out of the room.

At first, the police told me that Yuusuke killed himself, but when they couldn't find the gun with which he supposedly committed suicide, they said he must have been killed by one of the people he had alienated, and admittedly there are many such people. Poor Kurama, still trying to soothe me, thought I believed Yuusuke would come back to me again and came to the apartment with Hiei to try to convince me otherwise. But I already knew Yuusuke wouldn't come back again. I had already lost my second chance, used it up so frivolously, as though I thought I'd have forever with my son. No, I knew he wouldn't come back; it was that he was murdered that I didn't believe. I know Yuusuke killed himself and I know how he did it without leaving behind a gun. I was never as ignorant about Yuusuke's abilities as they seemed to believe. He was my son. How could I not have known? And he felt so bad at the end that he would turn his gift into his demise.

How could I have failed so horribly at being a mother? My poor boy, gone forever. I haven't touched my liquor since I found out. But it's too late now. Far too late to help him.


End file.
